Conversation with Myself
“You really should blog about this, or at least, something”
“Yeah but then I would have to do the whole spiel about how long it’s been since I last posted”
“But the longer you don’t post, the more awkward its going to be when you finally get around to doing it. I really hate writing “I’ve been away too long!” posts”
“But there is SO much you haven’t talked about, to just jump into something is going to be so random. Face it, you blew it again. Another blog joining the abandoned blog wasteland”
“Well I still like this blog, and everyone has times where life gets busy and the blog goes to sleep for a while. I’ll just write some intro basically saying, I’ve been away too long but I’ve missed it so I’m trying.
“Well, its worth a shot, go for it then”.
I’ve been M.I.A.
Source: Greg Westfall
I’ve been gone for so long, and then it got to be so long, I thought I had to have a really good post when I finally did write something again. Well that just led to more procrastination so here I am!
I’ve been feeling a bit like the kitty in the above picture lately, my batteries need recharging in the worst possible way! The reno’s on the house might be starting next week. I know, might? Well the contractor had told us, he only works on one project at a time. It made perfect sense, which is why we’ve been waiting for the work to start. Well now the reno he is working on at another house is at a standstill. His materials are going to take a week or two to come in. So, that means he can start at our place. But (big but), he will have to go back to the other project when the materials arrive. He said he would not leave anything unusable.
The first thing being worked on is the main floor bathroom, and then he would like to start on the upstairs bathroom and work his way down. I told the The Hubs that if he could just focus on completing the main floor bathroom in that time, before moving to another area and leaving it unfinished for a week or more, I think that would be okay. I of course have no idea how much time it takes to do any of this work!
The bathrooms are getting new paint, ceramic tile flooring (just have the stick on laminate stuff now, and its coming off!) vanities, sinks, faucets, toilets and light fixtures. The main floor bathroom is also getting an exhaust fan…since there is a switch for it, and right now the hole where it should be is empty, and covered in duct tape! It’s quite small in there so it might not be a *huge* job, but then that’s if everything goes as planned of course.
Last weekend I threw a double birthday party for my sister and my nephew. My family was over for my nephew’s birthday, but my sister had no idea we had planned to celebrate her’s as well! We all played Wipeout on the Wii…silliest game ever but I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time!
This weekend is my grandparent’s 60 anniversary party. I’ve been a bit (okay a lot) stressed over it, because it was planned a long time ago, but then basically nothing happened. All of a sudden, we all found out it was still on. Of course that has meant last minute scrambling. I think I still want to add more to their gift, but then its the problem of, “what do people in their mid 80’s really need?!” They also say they’re trying to get rid of ‘stuff’ so I hate giving them trinkets they just don’t have room for. So far its consumable things, like a set of jams and a spreader from a little farm marketplace I love, and a glass jar of good mixed nuts for my grandfather. I’m thinking of embroidering a tea towel, and maybe making some pumpkin bread or scones. Maybe a gift card to a food shop I know they visit. Think I’ll be hitting up the stores for a basket and cello wrap tonight!
Tomorrow I wake bright and early for my food contribution. I’m making the coleslaw and the tomato salad for 30 people. I don’t eat either, which means I’ve never made either! I love tomatoes but I just can’t stand cucumbers, which is half the salad. I love pickles but they don’t have that cucumbery taste! Never been a coleslaw fan either, I’m using a recipe from Barefoot Contessa (my fave food network personality), and just omitting the blue cheese. Not really looking forward to having my kitchen smell like cabbage at 8am tomorrow, but my reward will be a Tim hortons cheese bagel so I’ll make do!
Note to Self: Be Grateful
You squeeze your eyes shut against the scorching heat. Where he is, its 25C hotter.
You put on a tank top. He puts on his bullet-proof vest.
You complain about your annoying neighbours. He lives in a room with two other men, behind concrete barriers to protect from bomb blasts.
You complain you don’t feel like cooking tonight, so you order take-out. Tonight he is too tired to walk the mile in the heat to the dining hall so he doesn’t eat.
You try to get around to seeing your friends or family, but you’re busy. He just worked 18 hours, and still came online to say good-night because he knows you worry.
You use the internet to do some reading, surf around, listen to music. He uses it to let his family and friends know he is still alive and misses them.
You used to get annoyed with having to tell your parents where you were going. He can’t tell you where he is right now because it could cost him or his unit their lives.
Your power goes out for 2 hours, and you complain about the crappy area you live in. He loses power for over a day and eats a cup-of-noodles made with water heated by the sun.
You hope you don’t get stuck in traffic. He hopes he doesn’t hit an IED.
You plan renovations on your home in the next couple of months. He doesn’t know when he’ll get to come home.
Asthma Chores – Staying in ‘Peak’ Condition
I was mentally reviewing how often I have to do asthma ’chores’ a day. I have to suck on my preventive inhaler twice, two times a day and blow on my peak flow meter 3 times, twice a day. That’s 10 times. If I’m flaring and have to take my rescue inhaler, it’s even more often. Any asthmatic will tell you, having asthma can really suck and blow!
There are ways to monitor your asthma to help keep you well though, like the peak flow meter. In case you’re wondering what the heck a peak flow meter is, here is mine:
A peak flow meter a small hand-held device with a little slider and numbers on the side that you blow into as hard as you can, that measures airflow. You do this 3 times, recording the highest number without averaging. The number the slider stops on is your Peak Expiratory Flow rate number, or PF for short. I never even knew about peak flow meters, until I was feeling really lousy and kept coming across it on websites like The Asthma Society of Canada. I find it useful because it helps me decide when I need to increase my medications, sometimes even showing when a problem is beginning before I can feel it. It also lets me know when I should see my doctor if my medications aren’t working as well as they should.
Preventative inhalers, like the Symbicort that I take, contain corticosteroids that help reduce inflammation and strengthen lungs.
In asthma the bronchi inflames and constricts, reducing airflow, resulting in a lower peak flow number. Although there are charts out there saying what your PF should be according to your height and age, your personal best number is usually more important. This is the highest number you can reach when healthy, usually after charting for a week or two. If I was to follow the recommended charts, I would already be in yellow zone.
Bronchodilators or ‘rescue inhalers’ such as my Ventolin above, work to relax and ease constriction in the bronchi. Holding chambers like my Aerochamber help to get more medicine in my lungs instead of my mouth.
Asthmatics have “zones” they use to keep track of how they are doing. They are set up just like a traffic light.
Green zone. 80-100% of your personal best. You have no symptoms, you feel good, and can be active and go about your usual activities. This is ideally where you want to be.
Yellow zone. PF 80%-60% (or 50%*) of your personal best. This is the caution zone. You might be feeling symptoms like coughing, chest tightness, wheezing, or shortness of breath. You can’t do all your normal activities and may be waking up at night with symptoms. Start taking your rescue inhaler, and possibly increase your preventative inhaler depending on your action plan formed with your doctor. If medications don’t help, see your doctor.
Red zone. PF under 60% (or 50%*). Symptoms are severe and requires emergency care. Follow your action plan. Continue taking your rescuer medication and go to hospital or call an ambulance.
*There is a difference in opinion on how low is red zone, talk to your doctor about which percentage is right for you
This is my peak flow chart for the last month, you can see the yellow dips.
As my friend Kerri at Hold Your Breath to Breathe reminds me, “listen to the symptoms before the meter”. Sometimes, you feel lousy, you’re having symptoms, you check your meter, and its green zone. Huh? I’ve had it happen a few times. So I figured, well its green I guess I’m alright. Almost always it was in the process of dropping. The meter isn’t the be all and end all. If you’re having problems breathing, take your rescuer. If you’re feeling really horrible or meds aren’t helping, get yourself to your doctor or the hospital.
I’ve never been red zone thankfully, although before I was put on regular medications I was close. There were nights then I probably should have gone to an ER, but since I hate hospitals I avoided it. I know, not that smart of a decision!
I decided to write this post as I’ve been having a problem with flaring off and on lately. I just called the pharmacy to refill my rescue inhaler only to be told all the name brand Ventolin was used up over the weekend(that’s the blue puffer you have probably seen before). Thank you smog and high humidity. The only generic Ventolin I can find here now is Apo-Salvent and I hate it. It has a horrible aftertaste and I find it doesn’t work as fast or as well. Doctors might disagree but its been my experience. Hopefully they will have it in tomorrow!
And although it probably doesn’t need reminding, I am not a doctor, so if you are unsure about your asthma treatment or symptoms, please see your doctor!
My Friend Sunny
This post is inspired by Paige of Life is a Phoenix’s post on her friend “Hank”. I highly recommend you check it out! Many commentators said they had their own ‘Hank’, and I wanted to share my own.
I’ve been speaking of my friend that was recently deployed to Iraq, and thought it only fair I give him a name. Sunny is a private type guy, and being in the army I thought it was safer to use a nickname to protect the innocent.
Sunny and I met almost a year ago while playing a certain war type game online (no, not that one, I’m not shelling out money for it!). Actually I was attacking him just as he joined my team. We became friends, and it wasn’t long before he told me he was in the reserves as a United States Army MP and would be leaving the next year for Iraq. Next year sounded far away, so I didn’t think too much of it. What I really knew of the military experience could fit on your pinky finger.
He’s a chocoholic who has a soft spot for animals. To show you his sense of humour, when he found out Dusty was apparently born with no testicles, Sunny gave him a new name – Ballzack. He always asks now how Ballzack is doing.
His wheels during training
I was sad when he left for training camp, as he was not allowed to tell me when he would deploy, any day could be the day he would be gone. There were rough days, where I think he questioned the entire decision, he was exhausted and missed home. But when he injured himself, he didn’t fess up it still kind of hurt, because he didn’t want to be held back from being deployed with his unit. I learned quickly that when you’re in the military, you’re never really off duty. Where else do you have a boss calling a 11pm surprise meeting?
If there is one thing that he has taught me, its patience. Something that everyone who knows me ribs me about. One heated conversation I remember vividly. I admit I wasn’t handling him having to leave all so well. When he said it was simple, I got angry. It was then he said something that I remind myself often, “It’s not easy, but it IS simple – I have NO choice”. I smartened up a lot after that. There was no point getting angry at something that was not going to change, and it was doing nothing but making it worse.
The week he left for Iraq I must have checked my email 20 times a day. After almost a week came the short message that he was okay, and safe. I felt like I had been holding my breath the entire time! Even after 12-18 hours of work in 125F heat he will use his internet connection to say goodnight, he is safe, and hopes to talk soon.
Today, after 4 or 5 days of not having much chance to talk, he finally had a bit of time. It didn’t take long before he asked what was bothering me. When I told him I was tired and cranky, I earned myself a new nickname for the rest of the conversation: Cranky Pants. He said it would do one of two things: 1. Piss me off or 2. Make me laugh. Thankfully it was the latter!
Sunny’s friends call him a super hero because he’s always willing to help people out. It’s no surprise at all that after his tour he wants to become a police officer.
Speaking of after his tour, he hopes to come up to Canada to meet me, The Hubs, and ‘Ballzack’ afterwards. I think even our hottest summer would be a break from the heat for him right now! Sometimes when we’re out The Hubs will point out places I should show him (it’s really cute), I should start keeping a list;) Anytime I mention my soy ice cream he gags, so we’ve decided we’re going to set up a taste test to see if he can actually tell the difference.
Right now I hope for quiet year, and Sunny coming home safe.
Renovations – Step 1 (of about 500)
Our townhouse was built-in the 70′s, and believe me, it looks it! Right down to the stained brown speckled carpet and wood panelled front hallways with black mirrored cut out. We had been wanting to fix the house up, so if/when we have the funds to move, we will have the house in selling condition. Tired of the power going out, the water being turned off, and paying condo dues when a lot of things are never done.
Back in the winter we took advantage of the Ontario Home improvement Credit before it ran out to purchase some things for the house. They have been sitting in our living room since. Dusty of course thinks its fantastic as he gets a great high view out of the glass sliding door.
Today we met the contractor and did a walk-through of the house, to point out the many things that need to be done. The entire house save for the two back bedrooms is getting painted, including all the ceilings. We’re yanking out all the nasty carpet and stick-on tiles on the main floor with laminate. The carpet upstairs is being replaced. The bathrooms are being pretty much gutted; new ceramic tile flooring, vanities, faucets and mirrors. Also getting rid of the yellow-coloured toilets too – YES!
The railing after being loose for years has finally ripped from the wall. They didn’t put the screws into a stud or even use anchors!
We just have to wait now for the estimate, and to decide which we would want started first. Right now it looks like it could all begin mid-September to early October. Our goal is to have everything finished by Christmas, since that’s a busy enough time already.
Will be happy so to have this all started, will update as the reno’s progress. Something to look forward to in the fall!
Friday Flip-Offs
This is my first Friday Flip-Offs post, but I’m sure it won’t be my last. Get rid of all the crap pent-up during the week so you can actually enjoy your weekend! I apologize as I can’t attach the blog hop links at the bottom, WordPress.com can be limiting not allowing most HTML coding. Please click the above pic to be taken to Kludgy Mom’s blog where you can add your link!
And now, my Flip-Offs for this week:
To my new chain smoker neighbours. FLIP OFF! I think its great you aren’t smoking inside your new house. Wouldn’t want it to get all stinky and nicotine stains on the furniture of course. Oh, see that window? Yeah, look up, now to your left. Yeah, see that? Thats MY open window. To the new craft room I spent 3 weeks fixing and painting for me. Guess where all that smoke you’re blowing is going. That slam you hear? Thats me shutting the window in 30C+ weather, with no central A/C so I don’t end up in the hospital because of my asthma flaring because of all YOU. Your smoke filling my house could land me in the ER. So I say again, FLIP OFF, seriously.
To the solicitors knocking on our door, pushing us to go with their hydro company. FLIP OFF. See that no solicitor sign? THERE FOR A REASON. Getting pushy, in my face, lying etc are NOT going to get you anywhere with me. You are not looking at any bill of mine, I don’t know you from jack. If I want something, I don’t need someone with a clip board coming to my door before I get it.
To the weather. FLIP OFF. Swinging between so hot that eating is too much effort and then sharply dropping so that I’m hiding under a blanket is pissing me off, and is probably a factor in my the Hubs and I having colds. Make up your damn mind. Oh and thank you for waiting until I was out in full jeans before jacking up the heat yesterday, making my jeans stick to my legs like gum.
To the internet psycho pseudo-Christian who decided it fit to get nasty with me for my different belief, FLIP OFF. Me not believing what you do is NOT offensive. It affects you in NO way. Attacking me and saying, “So that’s cool you just believe when all your family dies they’re just laying in the ground rotting” doesn’t make you a better person than me, God or no God, I’m sorry to tell you.
Ahhhhh, that’s better, Now bring on the weekend!
How to Support a Friend During Deployment
Photo Credit: The U.S. Army
Is your good friend in the military, and you want to help and be supportive, but you’re not sure exactly how? This week I put out a call on Twitter for someone to please do a post on their blog for ‘the military friend’, after searching for information for the friends of deployed soldier’s to no avail. As I’ve written previously, my best friend is in Iraq right now, and having no military experience I could use some advice from someone who has been there. Then I got the email from Maranda of the wonderful blog My Camo Colored Life (who has definitely been there!), offering her help, and I am so grateful and excited to have her guest posting here today!
Growing up in the military I have never thought about what it meant to be an “outsider.” This lifestyle has always been a part of me. Though I never intended to become an Army wife, sometimes life deals you the hand you are most capable of playing. Therefore, it wasn’t surprising to me or anyone else in my family that the college boy I fell in love with turned out to be a soldier through and through.
Though I have always lived this life, I must tell you it still isn’t easy. Being the daughter of a soldier and being the wife of a soldier are two completely different animals. However, I do believe that my childhood experiences helped train me, so to speak, to embrace and succeed within my role as an Army wife.
The military’s acceptance and inclusion of a soldier’s spouse and children has come a long way in recent years. Once upon a time the idea of a FRG (Family Readiness Group) was unfathomable. Nowadays spouses and children have a plethora of resources available to assist and support them through PCS (Permanent Change of Station) moves, military living, and deployments.
Unfortunately, the system is not perfect and most times friends and extended family are left spinning without knowledge of how to survive a loved one’s deployment. I think it is important that we acknowledge and value the integral role friends and family play in not only a deployed soldier’s life, but the lives of the soldier’s spouse and children’s lives as well. Sadly, many friends are just not aware of how they can help or what they can do to support the soldier, the spouse and themselves during times of deployment.
I hope this guide offers you a glimpse into how best to support a friend during a deployment. So let’s start…
If Your Friend is the Soldier
Photo Credit: The U.S. Army
- Communication ~ The old saying “communication is key” is a lesson that should definitely be heeded. Most of the time, the soldier just needs a little piece of home. The soldier needs to know that the people left behind love and care for him or her. Communication is often a life line for a homesick soldier. Even if the soldier does not respond, keep writing…they are reading. Communication can be implemented in several ways and only takes a few minutes a day or can be something as simple as a half hour each week. Here are some ideas to keep communication open with a soldier during deployment:
- Hand written letters
- Emails
- Cards (birthday, holidays, etc)
- Pictures
- Care Packages ~ Nothing says “I’m thinking about you” like a box full of goodies. Care packages should be personalized to the particular soldier. If you ask for a list of interests there are many things that can go into a care package. If you work in an office, you can hang a list of interests and people can donate goodies to the soldier. One tip is to get a flat rate box from the post office and grab a handful of customs forms. The flat rate boxes will cost the same amount no matter the weight so you can stuff them as full as possible. Also, as you place items in the box, write them down on the customs form so you won’t have to go back through the box to fill it out later. Here are just a few ideas of items to send in a care package:
- Magazines
- Books
- Music CDs
- Snacks (candy, chips, gum, crackers, beef jerky, etc.)
Photo Credit: The U.S. Army
- Listen ~ Though we don’t have a lot of control over how much the soldier can communicate with us, you can still make sure the soldier knows you are there to listen. Try to answer the phone as much as possible when he or she calls. When the soldier calls or writes, be responsive. Even if you don’t know what to say, just listen. And if you have to say anything, say “thank you.” Thank you for fighting. Thank you for standing the 125 degree weather. Thank you for your sacrifice. Thank you for doing this so I don’t have to.
- Talk ~ Please, whatever you do, don’t stop talking! Let me share my experience with you. When The Hubble would call home I felt guilty every time. All I would do was sit on the phone with him silent at the other end and I would babble. Or I would be busy talking to Little Butt. After each phone call I would kick myself because I never really let him talk. I thought “doesn’t he need to get things off his chest?” I finally came to realize that he needed me to babble on incessantly. He needed me to converse with Little Butt. Me talking about my, what I deemed trivial, day-to-day life allowed him a kind of escape from the daily horrors and frustrations he was facing. It gave him a sense of belonging. Of being part of the family.
- Share ~ Don’t hide things. I have been known to be guilty of this as well. There is a fine line here though. Let me explain. A soldier is under a tremendous amount of stress when deployed. He or she does not need to hear about the things that are inevitably falling apart at home, right? In a way, yes. But in a way, no. They need to know. You don’t want to hide things or leave them out. But instead of crying your eyes out and unloading on the soldier, fix it first. Deal with the problem then unload and let them know you got it. One of the most frustrating things for a soldier is not being around to help when the going gets rough. We just need to be able to do it tactfully. Make them feel included, but not overburdened.
If Your Friend is the Spouse of a Soldier
Photo Credit: The U.S. Army
- Be Present ~ One of the most important things to me was when a friend would be there for me. Each of us has our own way of dealing with things. But each time The Hubble has deployed, that friend that comes over the first day he’s gone and orders pizza and answers the door for me is the one that means the most. A spouse of a deployed soldier needs to fill time and having a friend to share that with is very important.
- Call ~ When a soldier is deployed, a spouse is lonely. Amazingly lonely. Sometimes a simple phone call and a “how ya doin’?” is enough to get us through another night, another day. Just as the soldier should not be forgotten, neither should the spouse.
- Be Sensitive ~ This one is an extremely valuable lesson to learn. Please be sensitive to the situation the spouse is in. Let me tell you about a phone call I received from a “friend” while The Hubble was gone. One day, around 8 months into the deployment, I posted on Facebook about how much I missed The Hubble and wished he was there right then. Now, I don’t do this often, but sometimes it hits you harder than others. So, this “friend” calls and proceeds to tell me how I should not miss The Hubble because men are nothing but trouble. She told me about how she was annoyed at her husband and I should be happy The Hubble wasn’t around. Really? Please, do not ever, under any circumstances call a spouse of a deployed soldier and tell them they should be happy. To tell you the truth, I would give anything to have every piece of The Hubble, especially the annoying parts, just to have him safe and home. I will never find myself lucky or be happy that he is fighting for his life every moment of every day.
If the Friend is You
Photo Credit: The U.S. Army
- Give What You Can ~ I know I’ve talked a lot about what you can give to a soldier and a spouse during deployment. But you can only give what you can give. No more. No less. If you are being pulled in too many directions, do not try to give more than you are able. People can tell when other’s are not being genuine. If you are trying to support someone because that’s what you are supposed to do, not what you want to do, then please let someone else do it.
- Know Your Limits ~ If you have never been involved with the military it can be difficult. Heck, it’s difficult for me. Do not be afraid to set boundaries and know your limits. Let the soldier and or the spouse know the type and extent of information you would or would not like to know. If you do not think you can handle knowing that the soldier was in a fire fight, set that boundary. You are well within your rights to set those boundaries and to expect others to maintain them. One important question The Hubble asked me during one of our early phone calls during a deployment was how much I wanted to know. I made the right choice for me and you can make the right choice for you.
- Fill Your Time ~ If you ever really analyze how a soldier’s spouse and or children fill their time during deployments you will often note that they hardly stop moving. Parents enroll children in almost every activity and sport imaginable. During a deployment pre Little Butt you would rarely find me at home. I would work longer days. I would go out at night. I would hang out at work after my shift just to not be alone. Just to not stop and think about the situation. It never gets easier. You just do what you have to do. At a certain point your life develops a new routine. But the ache never stops.
Wow! I had a lot more to say than I thought I did. I will end it there as I think these are the main points to remember during a deployment. I hope these help during these times of war and increasing numbers of military enlistments.
I would like to extend a heartfelt thank you to Kris for allowing me to take over her blog for the day. Thanks Kris!
Guilty(or not) Pleasures
Photo Credit: AngryJulieMonday
Oh guilty pleasures, those personal indulgences that give us a little pick-me-up. Most of our lives we’re being told what we should or shouldn’t be doing. Work out more! Spend less money! Eat more vegetables! Drink more water! Relax! Sometimes we just have to do something that feels good. Maybe its pricey, or fattening, or impractical, or if you’re always doing something for everyone else, its one thing you just do for yourself. The fact you don’t get them everyday just makes them all the better. Here are 9 of my not always guilty pleasures:
- Turtle Mountain’s Purely Decadent Chocolate Obsession soy ice cream. Like melty chocolate paradise in a bowl. One scoop obliterates a chocolate craving, and small enough container to hide behind the frozen peas so no one else can find it.
- So you Think you Can Dance every Wednesday and Thursday. If the dancing is really good I will actually clap at the tv. My Mom used to do this sending me into an embarrassment spiral, and now I do it too.
- Chick flicks. Maid in Manhattan, Legally blonde, The Wedding Date, Dirty Dancing, American President…all perfect for when I can’t sleep or the husband is out of town (although I’m pretty sure he’s watched all of these several times with me!)
- Painting my nails. I don’t do it often as my nails are in bad shape, I’m not really dainty and the paint job isn’t going to last very long, but it always makes me feel a bit pretty and girly in the process.
- Lush handmade bath products. It’s just nice to take my time in the shower or bath once in a while instead of rushing, which seems like we all do most of the time. Honey I Washed the Kids and Snowflake soaps make you want to lock yourself in the bathroom just to enjoy the scent!
- Pizza Hut pizza and medium boneless chicken wings. For a long time I haven’t even entertained the thought of being able to eat real pizza again, let alone spicy wings, because of acid reflux. I finally caved, popped my Nexium and waited for the doorbell, and good golly it tasted good. I asked the husband if I could try one of his wings. He scrunched his face like I might regret it, warned me they were hot but said to give it a try. Now I know why people seem to love chicken wings so much. I mention how much men like it when you can handle spicy, sauce-smothered food with reckless abandon? Always feel like I’m doing something naughty when eating pizza, like I robbed a bank…maybe the fear the junk food police might come and get me packing celery.
- Journals. I have at least 3 or 4 going at the moment, and if I came across more that I liked at this moment I would probably get those too.
- Lipton Pure Leaf Iced Tea. Only sold in single bottles and only a few places seem to sell it around here. James picks me up a bottle sometimes on his way home from work or when we’re out. Its kind of high in calories so I don’t drink it everyday, but it’s probably my favourite beverage right now.
- Disney Bandaids. Okay so I don’t have children. I’m just a bit on the clumsy side and sometimes get tired of sporting boring beige bandages. I will walk out of the house proudly sporting The Little Mermaid on my finger. So if you know where a clumsy Canadian could find stylish/funky/non-boring bandages please let me know!
What are some of your guilty little pleasures? Let us hear them!
I came across this article below on the front page of WordPress, and it was almost a sigh of relief.
This is my way of outting myself. I am not a Christian.
There was a time I was, in my teens, I even helped teach sunday school. I did youth group and bible study. But the more I learned the more something felt wrong, like a knot in my stomach that I couldn’t explain. It all came to a head during a sermon where the pastor loudly and vehemently decried homosexuals. I was horrified. I wanted to run as fast as I could from my pew. Fighting back tears, I walked, feeling sick inside, out of the church for the last time. I didn’t want a part of it. At that point I wasn’t sure what I believed, but I realized that wrong feeling was because I didn’t agree.
The label that I guess would suit me is Atheist, although I’m choosy of when I will admit it. The word has such negative connotations I loathe to use it. Some use the word ’Humanist’ instead, it seems to not carry the same negative weight. It’s not because I am ashamed, feel empty or because I feel I am missing something, no. But because I am afraid it will further alienate me from a world I’m still trying to find my place in. Most of my friends are Christians. Most of the blogs I frequent are authored by Christians. My husband’s family is Catholic, with many of the women being Catholic teachers. I fear the backlash for admitting it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t pretend, but I’m very careful using the A word.
I have been on the receiving end of some painful comments and humiliation for the way I feel, maybe not always intentional, but it was the result.
Such as the time recently after my father’s death, that a friend all but came out and said my father was in hell right now because he was not ‘saved’ (I believe my father did believe in god, but not in religion). When I said, “How could you say that to me?” his response was, “I don’t know what to tell you!”. The friend is still in my life, but remembrance of that comment still hurts. Since when did religion overwrite compassion?
For his funeral a minister was hastily picked out amid my mother’s grief. Had we known how he would be, he never would have stepped foot to the podium. His sermon was so harshly dogmatic that even my Christian friends surrounding me were cringing. The one part I remember vividly was when he was quoting a section of the bible that reads, “HE IS NOT COMING BACK!!!”. This was shouted loudly for effect. I still cringe when I think about it.
Then there was the grief counsellor I visited who said that many people lose their faith in god after losing someone close to them. When I admitted that I too didn’t believe, she blurted out quite suddenly in disbelief, “you’re an atheist?!”. At this point I never used that label, I wasn’t sure what I was. I fumbled, stuttering, for an answer. Needless to say, I never went back.
I hate having to be quiet because of fear of being proverbially blacklisted. Maybe the fear is unfounded. I hope it is but I can’t change it if it’s not. As I’ve learned in dealing with the anxiety, the best way to deal with fear is to face it head on.
I cannot believe in something to fit in, as much as a Christian could not believe to fit in. I don’t want to debate, I don’t want to be prayed for or saved. I don’t want you to change who you are or what you believe in. My beliefs might someday change, I have a lot of life left to live. Right now I just want to be me.
